It’s not swine flu you want to worry about. Well not the H1N1 strain. In the UK the survival rate seems not bad. If we are all going to get a dose then I think I would rather get it out the way now and take a dose of H1N1. Why? Because viruses are good at mutating, they are killing machines and that’s bad if its an avian virus.
It just so happens that prospect might be one step closer to me than most. Yvonne has been floored by suspected flu for the last 6 days and currently awaiting confirmation of swine flu from the lab, there’s also the speculation of it having been passed from unknown source, which the NHS don’t like to see.
What’s interesting however, is I feel my body fighting off these symptoms over the last few days. It led me to think, think about I Am Legend. Remember Robert Neville in the film, he was one of the ones immune to the disease that wiped out human beings. Potentially I have H1N1, potentially my body is fighting it, potentially I am immune to it, potentially the virus is mutating to H1N2. A strain I have dubbed “Stu Flu”.
BREAKING NEWS : STU FLU OUTBREAK KILLS OFF NORTH KOREA
Not to be ill prepared for this eventuality, I’ve started thinking about how I’m going to live with all you guys being vampires or zombies. I think Will Smith got it wrong in the film, a 4 storey town house, is he mental? I’m thinking about a castle, I can’t disclose which ones for obvious reasons, I’m not that stupid, zombie suckers. I will tell you that my castle will have turrets on it……and a draw bridge.
During the day time I will basically have free reign to go and find some nice cars. Again I don’t know what Smith is thinking with the mustang. Is that really the best he could muster?
I guess I’ve not thought about my internet access that could be tricky.
I got told off the other day. So here’s your chance to play devils advocate.
There I am, driving home from the bi-weekly trip to the fish shop for supplies. We had gone to the more specialist one which is about 30 miles away so 60 miles of driving but it was a day for idiot drivers, more so than other days. I had gotten the hump with around 4 drivers on this trip. Of note, one guy slamming the anchors on in the middle of the road to be courteous to some guy trying to get out. Great only I nearly barrelled into the back of him. 5 minutes later, another guy in front of me, hits the brakes, must be down to 5mph and hits the indicator to go left. God, what is it with people that do that? Its my real pet hate of all pet hates when it comes to driving. It should be an automatic ban. In fact, the car should go into auto pilot and drop the incompetent driver off at the police station. In fact the should just serve life in jail for that crime, to stop them annoying me.
Ok, so now I just want home. The last stretch, finally. What’s this? A 1 mile tailback. This isn’t normal for the road I’m on. “Must be a tractor”, I speculate. Sit in the queue for 10 mins. There is a roundabout at the end of the road, so everyone has gone left to avoid the jam. I NEED to go right to my house. So right I go, to be stuck behind a horse and cart. Oh now I’m the angriest man alive. A horse and cart carrying a bride and bridesmaid. You can not be serious.
Stay calm, Stu. The church is the next on the right, only 50 yards away……its going past the church? Surely not? Where the hell is it going? There is nothing for miles now. That’s it, smoke is coming out my ears. I’m overtaking this thing. Oh but wait, on coming traffic is rubber necking. At this point I’m contemplating the pavements. Collateral casualties will be worth it.
Just then. There is the opening I’ve been waiting for, stick the car out, noooo, more oncoming traffic. But I get a look at the horse and the bride party. Those silly long hair horses and they have pink ribbons all over them to match the bright pink tacky dress of the Jordan-wannabe bride. That’s it, they are taking liberties now. The opening presents itself, give the car the double kick down to make sure she’s in the mood for accelerating. I’m out……wrong side of the road……window down……”WHAT AN ABSOLUTE JOKE”, I hurl out there as I pass the tack mobile. I couldn’t see her face, but I hope I made the bride cry. I hope I ruined her day. I hope they are divorced already.
Before you get on the moral high ground with me about special days and wedding etc etc. I can put up with a horse and cart for a couple hundred yards. But doing the whole trip from house/hotel to the wedding venue is a complete joke. You can bet your life the horse owner isn’t paying road tax to take them out on the congested roads of Greater London.
I done what others were too scared to do. That day I served the people.
I’m just back from a month long work assignment in Aberdeen. Although it got close to driving me to the brink of madness, its not why I’m asking what year it is.
I’m having one of those moments you sometimes get with words….well I do. You hear a word you are not familiar with, or maybe you’ve never really heard it in open conversation before, then all of a sudden you keep hearing it, every other day, and it drives you mad.
The same is happening to me with years just now. I’ve noticed a couple of people referring to the year as “twenty oh nine”, rather than “two thousand and nine”. Thinking about this more, I did then seem to remember people speaking of the London Olympics being “twenty twelve” but thats about it really.
Is this the trend bucking? Up until now in the 21st century, people have been saying “two thousand and….”, its actually quiet easily applied right through this entire century, but I did wonder if at any point people would start reverting to 20th century naming standards.
I know what you are thinking…….no this is not all I’ve been thinking about for the last 6 weeks. I do wonder about myself though.
I’ve gone fishing. Well not really, just got a lot on with work at the moment. To be honest, missing typing stuff up here, but I don’t have the time to sleep never mind write. So for anyone wondering, I’m putting it on ice till June 1st (at the latest) when I can devote a bit of attention to it again. See you then, and cheers to folk who’ve been asking about it.
I see that’s Argentina asking about the Falkland Islands again. One reason that is happening, we are seen as a soft touch in the world. Thanks to our ‘open the doors’ regime the whole world wants a bit of the action now.
Chat from Gordon about Catholic monarchs is precisely what I’m talking about. Why don’t you toss the keys in at the vatican on your next visit you bumbling idiot. Why stop at Catholics anyway? Why not Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs? Oh right, you can’t talk about that.
It’s not that I’ve got it in for any one particular religion, I’ve got it in for them all. So instead of trying to change the constitution to involve more religions, we should be moving away for any religious persuasion ruling the country if anything. I’m also 100% against hierarchical religions being allowed near the throne of this country when the top of that food chain isn’t the same person sitting in the throne and residing in this country. At least the Queen is head of the Church of England, she answers to no-one. That’s what you need from a “Head of State” otherwise it is pointless. For the record, I’m all for the disbanding of the Church of England aswell.
As for the Argies, instead of politely saying no, how about we tell them to spin on it. If they’ve got anything else to say about it, lets dust off HMS Invincible (currently sitting in a docks, doing nothing) and start doing laps of the Falkland Islands with it.
I think another war where someone is invading us is what this country needs to focus and unify itself…..just preferably not near my house, and if I could live through it that would be another bonus. Ah screw it, pass me some boots and a rifle, I’m ready.
Many moons ago I used to work for Ford. At the time Ford were the market leaders in the UK car market. The Focus had just down a few good years of service and the new Mondeo was hot on its heels. All that the other companies could do was watch what Ford did, and make their play after it in the hope of picking up the scraps. I don’t how the motor industry is now in terms in of power players, but the events surrounding the release of the VW Golf Mk5 and how Ford reacted to it tends to tell me they are not commanding the same respect as they formerly enjoyed.
Ironically, this goes hand in hand with a change of ethos towards customer care from what I can gather. All those moons ago Ford used to pay silly money to keep its currently customers happy, that ranged from paying percentages (sometimes 100%) of repairs outside warranty, to sending customers flowers and chocolates. The thinking behind it was simply that a satisfied customer will return no matter how good or bad your product is. In other words, if you sell a bucket of bolts and the customer isn’t happy about it, polish them up, send them a box of chocolates and more often than not, they will go on to buy another bucket of bolts off you. People are fickle like that.
To be fair, Ford weren’t the only ones doing this around the time (early 2000’s). But one thing that I distinctly remember, and perhaps this goes hand in hand with the rise of the ‘Indian call centre’, margins for customer care were pushed to the extreme as the 2000’s progressed, it got to the point everyone was outright abysmal around 2007/2008. Think about your mobile phone company as an example. Remember the day they valued your custom?
There are so many examples of it that I can think of. Poor customer service, the ‘who cares’ attitudes, customer loyalty? Give me a break. I think they all time low for me was my bank literally conning me for my mortgage terms and not seeing the error of their ways after banking with them for 15 years. The irony of that one was by cutting short my mortgage deal with their small print I actually gained money out of them by going onto the lower Standard Variable Rate.
But back to the present day, the broken planet. Is customer service a priority when everyone is scrambling to save pennies? You bet your ass is it is. And actually today I had 2 examples of customer service that started to make me think that we might be looking at a resurgence of customer care.
First up a call to Apple. My new keyboard was having some issues with the U key, it worked but just didn’t seem to be as sensitive as the others, and for £50 I want it to be spot on frankly. So a call to Apple and a new keyboard arrives on my doorstep 3 days later, the thing in the box looks like the prototype for the first ever keyboard its that big and clunky. The guy has obviously messed up. So on the phone I go.
Geordie Apple guy : “(reading the case notes)……yeah, so my good friend Gary sent out a replacement keyboard for you, what seems to be the problem?”
Me : “Well you need to tell your man how to read because as far I know you can’t buy antique keyboards with the new Mac Mini but I now seem to have one in my possession”
Apple guy : “Oh right sir, that’s no problem, just send that back, we will send you another one and then send back the faulty one”
Me : “Ok”
Apple guy : “I just need to take our credit card details again” (They need this incase you don’t return the faulty part apparently)
Me : “No, I don’t trust you to get this right, you will end up charging me for this keyboard and because you’ve given me a time limit on getting this first one back, by time you send the second out I’ll be over that limit, and I’m not doing two trips to the post office for your mess up”
Apple guy : “Ok sir, I’ll just pop you on hold and see what I can do”
Apple boss : “Hi Mr X, what’s seems to be the problem”
Me : “Bla bla bla, mess up, bla bla bla, no credit card”
Apple boss: “Ok what I will do is put an exception through, you just need to send back the keyboard you received and we will send you a brand new replacement for your faulty one”
Me : “What so you don’t want the faulty one back?”
Apple boss : “No sir, just dispose of it in an environmentally friendly way”
Me : “Ok that’s fine, I will give it to a friend who doesn’t have a U in their name.”
Apple boss : (Laughs, probably the best joke they’ve heard this month.)
So after that minor triumph. Next up, my ISP whom had caused me around 48 hours down time in the last month due to catastrophic failures of their equipment. Minor outages I can live with, but their service was getting on a joke. So I was phoning for a migration code.
Russian ISP Guy : “Can I ask vi you are thinking of leaving the KGB……I mean the ISP, Mr Bond?”
Me : “Your sevice is crap bla bla bla, outages, bla bla bla”
ISP Guy : “Ok Mr Bond, I vill get your MAC code sent out to you, I’m sorry you are thinking of leaving us”
Me : “Ok thanks”
ISP Guy : “Mr Bond, as a gestcheer of goodvill, ve would like to offer you a free month as compensation”
Me : “I should hope so, thanks” (Notice how little dialog I’m putting forth here)
ISP Guy : “If you vould consider staying with us ve will reduce your package from £17.50 to £12.00 a month aswell”
Me : “Really? How long for?”
ISP Guy : “Indefinitely, Mr Bond”
Me : “OK I’ll stay, put that through for me just now.”
ISP Guy : “Ok I vill send you an email about it and confirm the change”
Me : “Thanks, bye.”
So there you go. Common sense actually prevailed, not only once, but twice! Am I being overly optimistic here or are we seeing the green shoots of customer care coming back? Are the ‘hard times’ focusing the minds of business owners to look after and pay attention to its customers? For me their are signs that Apple and my ISP are already on this wavelength.
I noticed that the 2 companies above didn’t use Indian call centres either. There’s nothing quite like explaining a problem to a guy, with a false name, who probably understands you less than you understand him and yet you are both meant to be speaking the same language. It’s great for blood pressure. Maybe the two are related, I don’t know. You can bet at least one commentator is going to call me racist for saying that!
I learned something new the other day. It’s pretty obvious when you think of it but I guess it was just staring me right in the face and I never thought about it. Part of some work I’m doing just now is designing a backup solution for a client of ours. If you are interested it’s a Sun Storagetek tape library, it’s quite a monster of a device and an impressive piece of kit at the same time. Footage of it here.
This thing stretches into the hundreds of thousands of pounds, even millions, when you start stacking it up with the various options. I won’t go into the details but we had some discussions about the difference in price between the States and the UK. When you are up in the hundreds of thousands you start questioning the slightest variation on two quotes, as the difference can be quite significant if its an error. One of these things I asked about was warranty. I was actually astounded at the cost of base service agreement (warranty) in the UK and the reason is simple, in the US the standard warranty for most goods is 3 months, whereas in the UK, read EU, manufacturers are forced to provide at least 12 months. Needless to say, they sure as hell are passing the cost on to the consumer.
The other kicker in Europe is logistics, goods are cheaper to move about and get to market in the US. Again we pay the price.
So there you go, I know it’s pretty obvious but maybe, like me, you didn’t know why a straight USD to GBP conversion of goods from US based stores never worked out to be the same as its UK counterpart….
One thing it did make me contemplate is whether the 12 month warranty is actually worth the additional cost. I’m struggling to think of the last thing I got fixed in the 4 – 12 month period. Most things that last 3 months generally go on to last until they meet their match with Mr Wear and Tear. Perhaps it’s time for a rethink on the warranty law, whatever law that might be. Who’s with me?
Last night after finishing the day with another Tesco shop I had to go out of my way to go into Marks and Spencers to get some of those decomposable bin liners (the M&S ones are a better fit for my kitchen bin). That’s all I go in to buy in M&S, 5 rolls of decomposable bags.
I go to the checkout.
Cashier: That’s £7.64
Me: (About to pay by card)
Cashier: Would you like a bag for them, it’s 5p?
Me: It kind of defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to achieve with the decomposable bags mate, but thanks anyway. (It sounds sarcy but it was in good humour, he laughed… just aswell).
But then I have to walk out the shop with 5 rolls of decomposable bags in my hand feeling like a thief as the security guy gives me some awkward looks.
Why couldnt they give me a decomposable bag for 5p? It’s just one of those moments in life where you can’t win. The planet has conspired to work against you. And yet funnily enough I’m just trying to help the planet.
It’s been a while since I did my regular item, whereby I analyze the search strings which led to people landing on my blog. I do this from time to time to amuse myself, so thought I would share as usual. Got some crackers this time.
“global warming money maker” and “what is global warming a money maker?”
You need to worry more about your English my friend rather than worrying about conspiracy theories that will stop you from sleeping at night.
“british hooligans mix” torrent
Hopefully this guy has died a painful death by now.
“cash machine” “no pin” where in geneva
The internet is a bitch my man, everyone is watching you. Your details are on the way to the cops. Hide, quick!
“christi peck”
No idea what this is. Can’t be bothered Googling either, someone tell me in the comments.
“parking in my space”
Some anger issues here with the neighbours I suspect. I’m curious how this chap resolved his issues by searching Google. “Google says I must kill them for using my space, therefore I must kill them”. Hmmmmm.
“apple whores”
Yup, over here. Bring it on, he got the right page with that one.
“BCG scar fetish”
There are some unique people in this world. Is this guy looking for the BCG scar fetish forum with a hope that he finds some others like him? Or maybe he is looking for photos of BCG scars. Are these people for real?
“bobsleigh + scotland”
It’s cold up there. But not that cold!
“female bodybuilder dating”
Someone got wind that beefcake Del lingers around these parts. Del, post a lonely hearts ad in the comments, we’ve got some matches here for you.
“if my garden is dug up as a crime scene, can i live in the house?”
I thought you died a few years ago Fred. How’s Rosemary keeping? Can you give tell us where Maddie is?
Again what is this guy expecting, the old “CSI dug up my garden, what now?” forum?
Look out for the new show, CSI Beechgrove Garden.
“wormeries for dog shit”
Yeah on that note, goodnight.
I’ve not really been following the fanfare surrounding Jade Goody’s departure from this earth. It’s a shame she has terminal cancer, don’t get me wrong, but personally it’s no more or less of a shame than the next person I don’t know to get it. And with that said I don’t feel I should engross myself in her death like our beloved media and its readers want to do. I certainly won’t cry over her which she says she wants people to do but I don’t think that makes me a cold hearted bastard, if I’m honest.
All that said, I was doing my nightly shutdown tasks. A quick browse of the Google News site to see whats going on with the credit crunchy world when I caught a glimpse of a headline relating to her.
“Jade Goody : I’ve achieved more in my 27 years than some achieve in their lifetime”
This is what I absolutely despise about this woman and on a grander scale, the celebrity culture. Not the ‘celebrities with talent’ culture, the fabricated celebrities. I’ll keep it from being too scathing as she’s about to pop her clogs but I bet she believes that making money from Big Brother, and all the proceeding off shoots, are her main “achievements”. Make no mistake, when she says “some” she implies, and means, “most” so she’s not talking about her kids and family as “most” can “achieve” that. She is talking about what you or I, the masses, don’t have; dispensable wealth and perceived fame.
It’s a shame for the girl really because if she was a bit more humble I might even have some sympathy for her because probably her biggest achievement in life, and she probably doesn’t know it, is lifting the profile of cancer awareness, research, prevention, treatment etc. Almost saintly for the religious ones, the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good.
No Jade, you would rather go down being remembered as the one that made a name for herself being an obnoxious idiot off the telly. Bravo.